Forgive.

"If we could look at ourselves and realize how undeserving we really are, and realize that everything that God gives us is a bonus..."

I sit and think of how much I need from God. How much I FEEL entitled to, but I can't forgive. If I am made in his image, the God of Love, PEACE, and MERCY..where do I get off not exerting these same things?

I look at the lives of others I am close to and the self inflicted prisons they're in, simply because of harboring things of the past. I always thought to myself, "I'm nothing like that."

But I am.

I am full of harbored feelings and emotions. I don't wear them on my sleeve, or at least I don't feel I do. And I don't sit and dwell on certain situations and people who I cut ties with, but I know there are still some residual feelings there.

Forgiving, for me, will probably be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do. I find myself saying my deed is done, forgiving the small things while still harboring grudges toward the bigger things. I always find myself thinking God won't notice, but he does. And every now and again, I feel Him tugging at my heart, asking "What about them?"... "What about THIS?"

Forgiving is for all things, big or small. There is no picking or choosing what should or shouldn't be forgiven. Especially not from my end, because I am only a vessel.

I am full of imperfection. Beyond undeserving of the things I have been blessed with, and beyond grateful for the things God has done just to show me His mercy and grace. I have to forgive because He forgives me!

I know me and in knowing me I know things like this take time. I know it won't be today and maybe not tomorrow... it's a process. But acknowledging that in myself, this is a problem, is a it step for me. I feel myself growing, and I'm speaking forgiveness into my life.

Forgiving is not for anyone else, but ME. I have had a hard time coming to grips with that. There was a quote I heard a while back that said "Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." I am doing nothing to the people or situations that I have such ill feeling towards. I am killing myself internally. I am killing my future blessings. I am killing my chances to be forgiven. 

And so are you.