writing shows me how flawed i am and how tentative my thoughts are.

instead of me asking love to leave me alone, maybe i should try asking love to pull me in.

i want someone. i do. but im afraid that all the ones i want/have wanted, don't want me.

im afraid to shoot for my dream guy because maybe he's in my dreams for a reason.

but im also afraid i'd have to settle.

im afraid to say im afraid because just the other day, i said i wasn't. but i am.

im afraid to get hurt again, therefore ive become happy with my solitude.

i was so happy with that moment of being content with my solitude, but i was aware that it was fleeting. simply because i knew my ability to over analyze everything, even my happiness, would force me to come to the root of that solitude.

and the root is fear.

i am afraid of loving again.

im afraid of my desires because they always seem to leave me broken.

im afraid that my choices reflect how i feel i should be treated, and even at the times where i was most in love with me, i still somehow found someone that reflected my repressed self hatred. 

im afraid im not ready.
and love always finds me when reciprocity seems to be missing.

i should ask for love to pull me in.

pull me.
drag me.

because otherwise i'd fight it.

maybe i do want somebody.

no, i DO want somebody .

just this time i want them to love me and want me back.

i want to look at them and feel my blood heat up and my skin cover with little dots of bliss. i want us to look at each other and laugh because we both notice our bodies reacting the same way.

i want to give myself to a man that knows exactly what 'that' means without me explaining.

i never want to have to explain myself again, because you know what? it sucks. explaining myself to people has only shown me that deep down, i feel like they don't understand me.

and i just want to be understood. because to me, being understood is synonymous to being accepted.

and don't get me wrong i want to be able to do for him what he desires. i want him to be able to look back on his journey of hurt with other women as a true blessing and lesson because that's what drew him and i as one; that's why he loves me too.

i want him to never want me to leave. 
no, not as his possession, nor am i saying i want him to be unable to live without me.
it's actually the very opposite:

i want us to be happy with or without one another, but being together somehow just feels gooder.

and we'll use cute words like "gooder" because that's what you do when you're in love: you invent words.

im happy alone, but i do want love.

yes, i want love.

but only if it will keep me happy. .
not MAKE me happy.