Stingy Girl

"I yearn to feel special. We all do, right? Right. Well I had an epiphany a while back and I debated on whether I should speak on it or not because...lawd, I didn't want any judgement. But here it goes...

All of my life, as far as I can recall, I felt overlooked, second best... in EVERYTHING. I was pretty, but not as pretty as her. I was funny, but ___ is the REAL comic. I could sing, but did you hear __?! In any way, I could never shine!

Suddenly I meet someone who wants me. Out of all these people, me! AND I actually wanted him back. Awesome sauce.

Before him, or any other guy I dated, I would be all into studying my bible, praying, etc. Then dating became for me a space where subconsciously, I felt no longer needed God. Now, before you judge, keep reading.

It wasn't until recently I realized my issue of why I felt I would push God away once I found someone who understood me: I finally felt special.(Jeez, I feel so lame for telling yall this) But honestly, that was my "issue" with God. He loves EVERYBODY the same! And I was seeking someone who loved me differently. Who found something in me that no one else saw. I wanted to win the eyes of someone who only saw me.

Selfish, I KNOW, but it's the truth. How many of you guys have felt this? Or after reading my thoughts, you get it?? There are a million people underneath the sun and you meet someone with mutual interests.. and you can't help but find your value through them? It's such a dangerous and vulnerable place to be in, but it's REAL! You try to shake it because in the end, you know they aren't your God, BUT yet you talk to them about all your issues with the bonus of an IMMEDIATE response. The convenience of it all... right?"

Wow, just found this post in my drafts. It is so crazy, looking back at my thoughts and things that I was so afraid to post. I wrote this about a year or so ago and I'm so proud of my progress. God really has worked on me as it relates to that. And since then I have come to see that though God loves us all equally and no one more than the other, he STLL loves differently. He knows me inside and out and accepts me for me with no conditions! And because he made me differently, he loves me differently. I am very special to Him and for me to think anything less is downplaying His creation (myself) and also showing how much I didnt understand or believe in His undying affection, grace, mercy, and love.

So, I decided to share this old post with you all just in case you've ever felt this way, please know I DO understand.

Love. ♥