Gone Too Soon

While on Facebook this morning, I saw a post my friend made saying that if she were to be in a relationship, she'd be emotionally unavailable. It sort of made me a little sad because she's not the first person, my age , younger, or older than me, to say something like this. We are so young, but it seems like this generation is turning so cold so early. To be so young and to get hurt that bad that you feel like truly loving someone whole-heartedly and being loved in return is unlikely, is so sad to me.

It made me realize that we as a generation have let a temporary hurt become something so permanent due to holding on to those old fears. And no, this isn't new to people who were before us, but it seems like it's almost in all of the peers I have. 

And I realized I'm one of those people. I let the bad outcomes I have had with others, hinder my progress because I can't let go. This just reminds me of a quote I saw of Iyanla Vanzant that said, "Let go and move on.. or hold on and stay stuck." and it really is that simple. We are too young to give up on something we all deserve, which is love. I refuse to let past hurts from family, friends, and intimate relationships, stop me from growing in those same areas. 

I know it's scary to open up when you've let so many in. It's a used type of feeling. You feel like closing up will be the safest way to keep yourself sane, to prevent breaking in front of anyone ever again. But I learned it's not about opening up that's the issue, but rather who all you are letting into your sacred space. Everyone isn't worthy, this is true, but some are. Don't miss out on a great thing, loves.

Hopefully this helps someone.

Walmart Run... A Bittersweet Experience

Tonight a few of my friends and I went to Walmart for a few groceries and household appliances. As we all know that's how it starts with Walmart, but eventually you stumble upon that one section you had no plans for, and you have to be pulled by 6 burly men to get you back on track.

Our vice for this session happened to be a pile of 5 dollar albums. Initially we expected to see a pile of one hit wonders, I mean , what do you expect when shopping in a tub of 5 dollar CD's? 

How wrong were we.. 

Stevie Wonder, Whitney Houston, Sade, Anita Baker, Prince, Michael Jackson. Some of the greatest to ever hit a studio were in a 5 dollar bucket next to people like Billy Ocean (who?!). Immediately we were excited, but I couldn't help but to be a little irritated by the fact that these were artists I love! That are world renowned and these are albums that hit #1 on charts.. yet they are 5 dollars?! It was the best and worst day of my life musically. 

I want to say, to keep myself sane, that it wasn't due to lack of appreciation of music, but it was due to the fact that CD'S in general aren't as high in demand as they used to be, sort of like cassette tapes. But I guess it's me being old fashioned. Trying to preserve history, I don't want it erased. 

It starts off with 5 dollar CD's to 1 dollar CD's to no CD's at all.. and I'm not very comfortable with that. Not at all.

The Queens That We Were, Are, and Will Always Be

"Black womanhood is fucking hard sometimes. We always have to ask or demand to be treated like royalty. Fucking always."

That was a quote that I saw today while blogging on Tumblr. Excuse the language, but how many of you, men or women, agree with that statement? I do.

See, this could be argued against by either gender. I usually here the rebuttal of similar statements, such as this young woman's, being, " Well guys are gonna treat you the opposite of a lady if you're not acting like one". And although, that is true, we have to understand both sides of the story. 

As a man, you should be able to see the queen in any woman. No matter what it is she is doing. Sometimes all it takes is for you to see the queen in her for her to see it on herself. You understand?

We, being women, sometimes try to deny the fact that men don't have an influence on how we act and so on, but you do! You do! And the fact is, we as women can do these things alone. We can build ourselves up and learn our own self worth, but it's nothing like a man taking the time to show you that he acknowledges you as a woman and not only that,  but sees your royalty.

Once again, this is not me excusing the behavior of women and saying we have no responsibility in knowing our own value, but if we constantly see men glorifying women who aren't displaying their inner queen, women tend to gravitate to the same type of praise. 

Take the time out of your day to let a woman know that she is beautiful and that she is a queen. Open her door (yes, that's still necessary), stand when she walks in a room, pull out her chair... You never know, this could be her first time ever having a male do these things for her. One small action can definitely make a difference in her day. 

Don't tarnish women with making them think acting or being anything less than a queen is acceptable. It's not and you know it. 

Bye Kings :)

Storms

     Smiling through it. :) That's all I can think to do. I have to believe that God has me 100% of the way on this random journey that He is taking me on. I have to believe that I can make it through and I must speak faith that no matter what goes on during this test, I am able to come out on top, knowing I put my total faith in God. It's a scary feeling to let go of worries and trust God completely; I can't say I'll be perfect at it. But IF I let God's will be done, I know the results will turn out positive.. they have to, because God is forEVER going to have my back. The only one who remains constant in my life even when I go astray. That's an unconditional friend. And what a friend I have in Him. All he wants from me is ALL of me. Pray for me guys. 

Love, 

        Aaminah <3

Men, Know Your WORTH !!!

Story for you all:

I went to Mizzou's homecoming ball yesterday to accompany a friend. While there, I got to see a lot of other friends of mine. Two school mates and also very close friends of mine ended up coming as well. So, once the food was cleared off the tables, chairs were pushed back, everyone did what they do best.. dance. We were all having a good time and then I noticed someone. Someone me and my two classmates knew as a mutual friend and one of my friends just so happened to like this particular guy once upon a time. When we noticed him this time, we saw his new girlfriend.

Now we all heard that he had begun dating. There were no harsh feelings toward him. Though of course as women, knowing your friend likes someone can make you a little biased, we always have remained cordial after finding out he began a relationship out of the blue.

Okay, here's my point for the "pointless" background story... this girl was, excuse my french, BUSTED. Not in a bad way, but in a TERRIBLE way. Not just because my friend wasn't the" chosen one", but because this girl was legit not IT! This guy is handsome, good head on his shoulders, clean cut.. you know, all the works.I just wouldn't have thought for him to settle for someone that you basically see every day.. someone so typical, someone with no real substance. She looked like a female who loved Gotti over Mos Def.. K. Michelle over Anita Baker. You know?

Me and my friends immediately referred back to a conversation that we had. We discussed the fact that every time we see a guy with a girlfriend, they always choose the most ratchet, the most basic, the most ... ugh. It's very insulting!

The whole point of me "bashing" this unfortunate couple (lol) is to tell you what I've learned. It's that we as young/older women are looking at the potential of these men and not looking at how they see themselves! We expect them to feel as worthy of themselves as we know they are/could be! My friends and I were baffled at his choice because we ASSUMED that HE knew he deserved something with more esteem, not something so basic. And this taught me that not only do women not know what they are really worth and what they deserve, but men have the same issue. This is why we constantly see Idris Elba's dating Trina's. Because to us, these particular guys are Idris, but they see themselves as Tyrone. 

Until yesterday, I didn't realize how much we as ladies underestimate our men. Just as much as we preach to one another about how we need to know our self worth and understand that we deserve more than what we think we do, we need to tell this to our men. They need to hear that they are of value and that they deserve more than a "bad bitch". Just as much as we deserve Kings, they deserve a Queen. 

I don't want it to come off as if I was bashing this young lady. I'm sure they are at a good place with each other. I was just using this example to describe my initial mind set and how my judgement of what it should be, was countered by what it REALLY is. And IT is that we put certain guys on pedestals to know, off the bat, that they are amazing.. instead of them feeling it for themselves. 

So men this is for you. Us women aren't the only ones settling.. So. are. YOU.

October 31st

Someone tells me to be open, I let them in. They look inside .. and it's not enough. I'm not enough. They need more. But instead of letting me go, telling me it won't work, they stay around and leave me in the dark, while they find "more".

Scary, Right?

H-o-n-e-s-t-y ...Find out what it means to me!!!

What is being "too honest"? Who invented that BS? I hate the fact that I can't sit and talk to someone and ask them how they really feel without them adding a little white lie. It's so unnerving! I just crave people in my life who don't mind giving it to me straight. Telling me how they really feel.

I want a guy to tell me that he would like to see me today, but at the same time he doesn't feel like coming all the way down to my campus because he's already settled. I want him to tell me that he's not ready for a relationship, but he does like me and he hopes I don't mind hanging out because he likes my company.

I want a friend to tell me that they love my humor, but sometimes I take it too far. I want a friend that can tell me that they love my insight, but I don't have the answer to everything. I want a friend that can give ME advice sometimes and understand that even Aaminah needs someone to vent to without judgement.

I need something real.. just once in my life. I want to be able to have some sort of stability in the people I associate myself with. Is that too much to ask for?!

SPEAK UP!!

I give so many opportunities for people to say how they feel.. how they REALLY feel. I always ensure to those I keep around me that they can ALWAYS tell me how they feel, I won't judge. Yeah, I'm human .. so of course I won't like everything you say, but at least what you told me was in pure honesty.

I get so tired of people not being real with me. I get tired of having to be a human lie detector. I get tired of pretending that everything is okay when I can clearly see that certain people I care about are not being fully honest with me. I always thought that if I asked in order to clarify things with people, that it wouls all work itself out. But it always seems like the more I ask, the less honesty I receive.

You'd be surprised at what I can handle. If I ask, it's not for me to find a way to be upset... but a way to prove to you that I can handle whatever you tell me, maturely. Don't underestimate my intelligence, it's insulting. I know when you're lying and I know when you're not. Just because I'm not calling it out, doesn't mean I'm not tallying. If you fear hurting me or don't want to be too honest because you feel like I'll be upset, remember this: You hurt me more by lying to me and I know you're lying. 

He Heard My Cry

God is so...

Awesome, inspiring, beautiful, wise, giving, LOVING, self-less, God is just GOD. 

I recently have been straying from Him since school started. I had been feeling too overwhelmed to do anything other than worry and do homework. But I'm beginning to realize that once I started to stray, things didn't get better, they got worse. But instead of me taking that as a sign that I need to move closer to Him than ever before, I used my issues as an excuse to say that I had no time to pray or that I had no time to worry. And in a ll honesty, I stopped talking to God because I wanted to do the things that I wanted to do. So I stopped studying, I stopped praying. I mean, why pray when I know I don't deserve to ask Him for anything? Why pray when I know for a fact I currently don't appreciate anything He is doing for me with the way I'm acting? Why go to church on Sunday when I know I was just at a party Saturday? It's so hard to live the life you want to live AND live the life that God has for you. And that's because you can't do both!!

Just a few minutes ago, I was on Twitter and I saw an old friend tweet about how amazing her morning prayer was.. how good she felt.. how she was able to rid of all her negative thoughts before they even came to mind. And it just sounded so peaceful. I miss feeling sound after prayer. So, I started to pray. And it felt so wrong. I had EVERYTHING to say, but I couldn't find the words (kinda like with my blog). My thoughts just seemed so cloudy and my heart just felt so out of it. So I instantly got discouraged and tweeted "I want to pray, but I don't even know what to say." 

I then decided to at least read my Joyce Meyer book, "The Confident Woman". It's a devotional that has daily inspirations in them for each day of the year. For today's reading, the ti
tle was "Pray Without Ceasing". It talked about how we don't find confidence in our prayers and this is why we don't pray very much, let alone pray without having a "prayerful attitude". When I say I was so amazed at how God talked to me in that instant... it was mind blowing, but not surprising at the same time. All the doubts that I had been having, faded. I now see that no matter how much I mess up, God is always willing to help me get on track. Me finding that specific topic in my devotional was His way of letting me know that I have the tools to get on the right track, I just have to use them. I have to put in the same amount of energy that I put on school,friends, parties... on Him. I have to make time for HIM. 

I just wanted to share that with you all. Hopefully it makes you smile and inspires you. :)

The Light..?

I need some inspiration!!!

I haven't been able to blog in sooooo long about anything! Every time I start to write something, I erase it, lose my thought, or can't seem to find a way to condense the blog into a audience friendly length.

My thoughts have just been so clouded lately. I guess with the stress of school and personal issues, I can't seem to focus on anything but myself. And though the blog is about my thoughts I didn't want to make this about my personal issues. That's what my diary is for... and to be honest, I haven't even been able to write in THAT. ugh... I need to get myself together. First I need to find the root of the problem because I'm sinking... slowly, but surely.

I'm hoping I solve this soon.. I really do.

Wrote A Whole Blog, Published It, Then Deleted It

Yeah... So I wrote this personal blog today and as soon as I finished it, I read over it and deleted it instantly. I am so tired of being open. I hate the fact that I give too much. I'm sick of being easy to read. I personally feel like I was better off when people didn't know everything. Given, they still don't know about me as much as they think. But even the little bit that I have given off, feels like too much. I'm officially done with that.

Who honestly cares about that stuff anyway? I'll spare you the misery of having to "listen" to my personal conflicts and I'll save myself the embarrassing exposure. What you know, hold on to it because I'm done with all the "expressing myself" junk. I thought being open was progress, but it's done nothing but prove me right... being open is just that, being open. People can come and go in your mind as they please and leave with everything. And you're stuck there.. open. Eww.

That is all. :)

We're STILL afraid?!

There used to be a question.. THE question that no one knew the answer to. What is our deepest fear? It used to be answered lazily... no one really wanted to tell it. Of course not. But one person did. One person took the time out to share the ultimate secret with the hopes of making us as a people become uplifted. Marianne Williamson wrote a book called A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles. In this book, there was a very short but powerful excerpt that stuck with the lives of people then and now, becoming one of the most famous quotes titled "Our Deepest Fear". 

After years of this being quoted, written on chalk boards at schools, being recited on movies, etc… we still don’t exercise those words in our everyday life. I thought of this earlier today out of nowhere, causing me to write a tweet about it: “We know what "our deepest fear"  is, yet we still somehow manage 2 hide the beauty of who we are 2 make the insecure feel better. #WhyIsThat?” 

 I started to go more in depth with the issue on Twitter, pointing out that I myself am guilty for this exact same thing even though I know the truth, I know what the source of the problem is. Instead of being the best at the things I’m good at, I find myself downplaying who I am as Aaminah.. What makes me great.. Just to accommodate the insecure. 

We all are, or have once, been guilty of succumbing to “our deepest fear”. And it comes from the worry of being spoken about negatively, or what insecure people would consider “negative”.

“She thinks she can sing? She’s so conceited. Always singing something! We hear you!!”

“What did she get all dressed up for today? It’s just class!”

Things like that make most of us feel the need to “tone it down”, in the fear of being considered “extra” to the insecure. When in fact, they’re just not doing enough! I recommend that whoever is reading this understands that by trying to “tone it down” so that you won’t be considered “conceited” or “over the top”, should just remember that by doing you at its best is the ONLY way to go. Don’t stop elevating just because others aren’t on your level. 

And in this case, no one can be on your level. Though we are equal, God gave us our own heights to reach. By you reaching yours, hopefully the insecure will follow suit and reach THEY’RE level.. Instead of attempting to knock you off of yours. No one deserves that sort of satisfaction. 

And if you happen to be one of those people who find yourself being on the side where you can't stand to see someone else being a better them, understand that you can also be a better you. Step out of their path, create your own, and learn to appreciate what God has for you.  We've all been there before.. some of us are still there.. some half in and half out. It's all about coming to terms with yourself and loving your plan!

Here's the famous quote. Take it in, write it down, put it on a post it by your mirror.. keep it close to you, in the hopes that you can be liberated from your fear! I'll be doing the same :) Be great my loves!

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Saving All My Love For...WHO?!

I'M A VIRGIN. *Awkward silence* Yeah , I know. There was once a time that I thought that mattered, that I was making the right decision... waiting until marriage before I physically tie souls with the opposite sex. I still plan to wait until marriage, but sometimes, I must admit, I get a little irritated.

People have asked me how do I do it? or DON'T do it, in this case. Honestly, I simply try and envision myself married, knowing my husband never has to go through the issue of wondering who else has had me. Knowing he can look at me, touch me, be with me... and that he was the only one. I want to make him feel special. I want him to know that even though I didn't know for sure I'd be marrying him, I was considerate to the fact that one day, I would have a husband and I cared enough to wait for.

I just love the way that sounds..

The only problem is, it's starting to feel like as years progress, my decision to stay pure means nothing to anyone anymore. From the way people act, sex is becoming a necessity in relationships. I've witnessed being rejected by guys because I was a virgin. Not because I was too clingy, not GF material (whatever THAT means).. but because they felt they need sex to express their emotion to a female. And if they weren't able to "express" that with me, they'd rather not get involved.

Question:
How is it that guys/females claim they can have sex with someone with no emotions involved.... yet, when they want to talk you out of your pants while dating, all of a sudden sex is used to "express those feelings" that you once said you never had???

Anyway, I just want people to understand why I take waiting until marriage so seriously. The guy/girl that you are currently having sex with, is someone's future husband/wife. SOMEBODY is currently having sex with my husband!! I don't know about y'all but that pisses me off. I'm sitting here waiting like a jackass for my husband to be able to feel "special", and he's currently succumbing to the trend, expressing his emotions to someone else's future wife. 

Yeah, you might think I'm tripping too hard about this, but it's true. Sometimes I feel like I might as well not wait. I mean, there are multiple ways other than saving yourself until marriage, to prove that you love your partner.. so what makes being pure so special? AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO STILL CARES?! 

Terrible Life, Amazing Moments

"You could NEVER understand my struggle... you've never had to deal with the things I've dealt with."

That is one of the most hurtful things a person could ever say to me and I'll explain why.

In life, we ALL have faced some sort of "struggle" or have experienced a deep cut that has affected who we are as people. No one on this Earth, has ever had it "easy". Not the prettiest, the richest, the smartest.. no one.

I have been through numerous hardships in my 19 years of living and though I could take the time to sit and dwell on all that I've been through, all that I'm currently going through, and the struggles that are sure to come.. I won't do that. Simply because of the fact that I can't dwell on that and I can't let the things I've been through turn me into a Debbie Downer. Life goes on and if I want to see better days, I have to keep moving right along with it.

This is of course, easier said than done. And at times I have to remind myself to stop looking back. It does nothing but bring you down and in the long run, other people that you associate with and love are brought down as well. I don't want to make anything about my life more complicated than it already can get on it's own.. it's no need. 

Although life is hard, it's beautiful. Although you've had a bad day, I guarantee there was something positive that was incorporated in that bad day. Reflecting on that very thought makes me feel better. 

And to piggy back on my initial point of this blog, (lol) learn how to be cautious of the people who you feel wouldn't understand your story. You'd be surprised at those that have more than likely faced the same thing that you have faced. And even if they didn't go through your same situation, they too have battles that have been placed in their lives that they have or will overcome... just.. like...YOU. Why not get through these tough times along side someone versus trying to do it alone? No one can do it alone.. no one.

That is all.

Get It Together by India Arie... soak in the lyrics.

He's Got Me TWISTED

So I was going to initially write about a specific topic, but due to other reasons, I decided to just vent in this specific post.

I am really coming to form in my emotions. Something that I have never done. I realized that I am very sensitive, I just don't show it. Due to the fact that my feelings always got looked down upon in my house. But tonight, I can't excape these specific feelings. 

Of course, it's a guy. But it's different for me this time.EVERYTHING about this situation is different. The big difference is the fact that I'm actually beginning to care and I'm not regretting the fact that I care. This is the scariest, most risky thing I have ever done.. my feelings are currently in jeapordy. And surprisingly, I'm unable to shut these feelings down. I don't want them to stop. 

Wanna know something? I already know that this specific guy will be the one to hurt me. Not because he's a bad guy, but just due to the fact that it's my turn to get hurt. 

All my life (dating life, that is) I have always been the one to keep my feelings in check.. the one who never stuck around.. feelings? eww. I was too emotionally independent for that. But this time around, Karma is taking place and trust me , it's my turn to feel the burn. I know it's coming.. I can't even say I don't deserve it. And maybe that's the reason why I'm unable to stop this. Because I want to get the pain that I'll experience, over with. Yep, that's it.


Okay, let me get off of this before I get in my feelings a little too hard. lol 

Don't let me down by Amel Larrieux... the title speaks for itself.