I was recently told I was a know it all

So I was told by someone I really care about that I was a know it all. And because of that , it was difficult for them to open up to me.
                                       
That cut me deep. So deep, actually. Because it was always something I hoped I'd never be. Especially because I've always been so hard on myself, feeling like I didn't know enough.

What's so crazy about this is that I HATE know it all's...and turns out that I am one.

Damn.

See I've always been really insecure about a lot as far as intellect was concerned. It didn't start that way of course. When I was younger, I always had a thirst for knowledge. Reading,writing, music, black history , women's history. .. I was always very passionate about knowing.                  

Once it was acknowledged by others , I started to take a certain amount of pride in what I did know. realizing that what I did for fun, others loathed. I was different.  coming up in a place where seeking out your identity was necessary, I knew who I was.

But then I met other smart girls... And I became insecure. Feeling as though now it wasn't just enough to know I was smart but everyone had to know. I just didn't want to lose my thing..

And now I'm a know it all.

Ugh I just hate that ... It was never my intention. But this is why insecurity is a horrible ,horrible thing. I turned a fear into a reality.

And now I want to undo this.

But how do you do so when you want to share what you know?? How do you educate without making others feel as though they are inferior because they didn't know?

Maybe it starts with my need of validity as far as my intellect is concerned. I lost my slice if humble pie and now I need to get back in the kitchen to whip up another batch.

So.. yeah...  that's what I'm working on .

I am a Chrtistian. I am Black. I am a Woman.

I'm always finding myself walking right into an annual identity crisis. This time I'm at a stand still as far as the theme of my blog and what I want. As far as my content is concerned. I love so much, but my dilemma is narrowed down to three major things about me:

I believe in God.
I am black.
I am a woman.

Three powerful things about me that not only makes life hard, but blogging as well.

See, the believer in me wants to reach out and touch people who need the word just as much as I, a broken vessel, does. I want to speak about forgiveness, selflessness, and loving everyone equally, just as God loves us.

But then the educated black woman comes out and I become a realist. As far as knowing my history is concerned, me learning about the origin of religion and how it was passed down to our race, and also being aware of the genocide that is against my people DUE to obvious inequality. It fills me we with such a passion, that I want to not only know more, but also teach/discuss what I know.        

And then I am a young woman. Which I LOVE. I am very proud of who we are and I plan to be as timeless and unstoppable as some of my favorite women have been and still are. And not only am I a woman, but a black woman. Which separates itself more. I want to empower black women to understand that there is such divinity in who we are and understanding what makes us so beautiful and incomparable.. *sigh*

When it comes to my blog and having a set theme for it, I become very troubled because I don't want to come off contradictory to my readers. It's hard to choose one and forget the other.

Am I making any sense???

So right now, I'm taking my time with the things I post and say. I am still very new to blogging and I want to make sure that I give you the best me I can give while remaining true to my God, my readers, and my people.

I would really appreciate your comments and your thoughts on this post. It would mean a lot.

Love.

RAW

So this will be the last time I talk about THIS. And this time, I'm gonna be raw and honest.

I came to a revelation two days ago that I just can't seem to grip and as I type this, my hands are shaking because I don't want to be judged for this, but I also write this because I know I need to say it. 

Okay, here it goes..

I was a sideline chick...and didn't even know it. 

Doesn't matter who he was, doesn't matter what transpired, all that I know is it ended with me finding out I was a sideline chick. 

I can't bring myself to believe it yet. Only because it hurts knowing that ALL that I had to give you was pure. All I said was true. All of me was yours. 

But you weren't mine. 

Mine. 

"I just wanna say you're mine, you're mine.."

Funny how many girls are out and about singing those same ass lyrics about you, that I was. Funny how many girls are typing on their blogs, tweeting, writing journal entries, and praying to the most high, "God, PLEASE just help me get over him."

for you..

ANGER

I'm angry because these girls and I have you in common and you have no one on my end that you can relate to about me. 

I let you taste me. A flavor that even I had no idea the taste. A feel, I dared not touch, because I was saving it for the man that I loved and who loved me back. 

HA! 

And even through the whole time that we were in our "situation", and we called it on and off, I always had your words to hold on to. Now, I have nothing. I can't look back on this and say "Well, at least we had love. At least I got to experience love." no. Because this wasn't love. 

You are just another body for the lonely. 

You have nothing to give, but you take from the givers. You are a heartless child who had no real intention but to take from me, from us... and keep it as shrine of all the hearts you possess. 

On your birthday, you left your gift; the card on the kitchen table. Not on the floor, or any other spot that could have deemed it as an accident. You left it on the night stand... card on the kitchen table.

 I immediately put the gift up and ripped the card. I knew not to call you to remind you about it. I knew that you were aware that it was still here. I knew that you wouldn't call and ask about it. That was the moment I knew you felt nothing. That was probably the most honest you had ever been with me. 

I try not to use the word "hate" when it comes to you, but that's honestly the only emotion that can help me get past you. I hate you. That way we are even. You don't deserve the word love. A person who doesn't even believe in my creator, THE creator of LOVE... and you think you can just say it... 

Please.

I know about all the girls too. Including my friend. Funny, you are so attentive... such a good listener, speaker.. but for all the wrong reasons. You used those good qualities for your own selfish reasons. You used em on her too. And she was gullible enough to believe you. Well, so was I.. so I can't even blame her. But that's just another example to show how much of a waste you are. 

I hope one day you come across this. I hope it burns you the way you burned me. You are a lonely boy. One with no sense of real direction and I hope you never experience such a gift as love. You don't deserve it. For all the hearts you've collected, you have enough love for the rest of your life. Right?

Forgive.

"If we could look at ourselves and realize how undeserving we really are, and realize that everything that God gives us is a bonus..."

I sit and think of how much I need from God. How much I FEEL entitled to, but I can't forgive. If I am made in his image, the God of Love, PEACE, and MERCY..where do I get off not exerting these same things?

I look at the lives of others I am close to and the self inflicted prisons they're in, simply because of harboring things of the past. I always thought to myself, "I'm nothing like that."

But I am.

I am full of harbored feelings and emotions. I don't wear them on my sleeve, or at least I don't feel I do. And I don't sit and dwell on certain situations and people who I cut ties with, but I know there are still some residual feelings there.

Forgiving, for me, will probably be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do. I find myself saying my deed is done, forgiving the small things while still harboring grudges toward the bigger things. I always find myself thinking God won't notice, but he does. And every now and again, I feel Him tugging at my heart, asking "What about them?"... "What about THIS?"

Forgiving is for all things, big or small. There is no picking or choosing what should or shouldn't be forgiven. Especially not from my end, because I am only a vessel.

I am full of imperfection. Beyond undeserving of the things I have been blessed with, and beyond grateful for the things God has done just to show me His mercy and grace. I have to forgive because He forgives me!

I know me and in knowing me I know things like this take time. I know it won't be today and maybe not tomorrow... it's a process. But acknowledging that in myself, this is a problem, is a it step for me. I feel myself growing, and I'm speaking forgiveness into my life.

Forgiving is not for anyone else, but ME. I have had a hard time coming to grips with that. There was a quote I heard a while back that said "Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." I am doing nothing to the people or situations that I have such ill feeling towards. I am killing myself internally. I am killing my future blessings. I am killing my chances to be forgiven. 

And so are you. 

The One That Got Away.. And Stayed Away

Okay so I'm here because I came to an "Ah- Ha!" moment while in my bed listening to an episode of one of my favorite shows, "The Read", on which they were discussing Beyonce's ex boyfriend who somehow found his way into a magazine and got some air time to discuss how basically had he not cheated on Beyonce years back, they would still be together. Irrelevant, he was. I know. But why was he irrelevant? I'll tell you why! BEYONCE IS BEYONCE ! She has a husband, BABY, and career that is screaming "I'm over it. And you are?!..." And I couldn't help but think to myself that this is a classic case of how the ones who do you wrong always regret the day they messed up. But this led me to another thought... "What if they don't?"

What happens when the person you want to regret blowing it, never does regret it?

I experienced a guy that reminds me of this question at hand. One who hurt me, blah blah blah. You ever end a relationship with someone that you thought you shared so much with and things end so off? Like no NOTHING? I had that happen. It was so "I don't really care WHAT you do. If you wanna go... bye!" kinda scenario, that it left me like "well dang". That type of ending where you get no closure, except the closure you invent in your mind, just so you can have a sense of peace to get over it? Yeah, that was me.

I analyzed all that I could about why I wasn't good enough for this or for that. Why I wasn't fought for and why was I so easy to let go. All that Mary J. Blige type stuff... and told myself lie after lie.

He gone regret this when I move on ..

But what if he doesn't? What would I really get out of someone missing me when at the same time, I'm trying to move on from them? (Am I making sense?) I know this is someone that even though I will always care for, I have no intention of dating again. So WHY would I want him to miss me? Why would I need him to feel some kind of way about me moving on? I know it sounds rewarding, but honestly guys, it's kind of like...silly.

Some people may never miss you. Some people may never fight for you to stay. Some people may never care to know how you've been... and if you were to move on, so what? They've moved on first! You have to muster up enough 'whatever' in yourself to come to the conclusion that I've come to and have shared with other friends of mine in similar situations:

Sometimes the best gift a person can give you is to NOT fight for you. To NOT miss you/ ask you to stay.

And I mean that with a sincere heart. Yes, it hurts to know that a feeling you had wasn't returned, but baby boo... it'll be alright! You have to be okay with knowing every story doesn't end with you moving on, getting married with a baby and being named Beyonce with an ex, who used to be relevant, now on page six of a gossip magazine, looking like "why?!". You have to move on whether the people you move on from see it or not. Do it for yourself.

Love :)

P.S. What you want always changes. Figure out what you NEED. Take time in your day to love you some you. LEARN about yourself. What you like, don't like..etc. Be comfortable alone. Never look for someone. Don't fill voids, loves.. unless of course you're filling it with God.. someone permanent, reliable, and who will fight for you something so TOUGH, you'd think you never turned away from Him to begin with. Learn to trust His plan and know that He lets things end the way they do for a reason! He ALWAYS has something better and you have to believe that. Kings and Queens, we deserve our matches! But before you search for yours make sure you are the mate you want to be as well. Don't rush anything. Don't chase after anyone except the most high. Everything good comes from Him. You can't find Good without God. He's the final answer. <3

Stingy Girl

"I yearn to feel special. We all do, right? Right. Well I had an epiphany a while back and I debated on whether I should speak on it or not because...lawd, I didn't want any judgement. But here it goes...

All of my life, as far as I can recall, I felt overlooked, second best... in EVERYTHING. I was pretty, but not as pretty as her. I was funny, but ___ is the REAL comic. I could sing, but did you hear __?! In any way, I could never shine!

Suddenly I meet someone who wants me. Out of all these people, me! AND I actually wanted him back. Awesome sauce.

Before him, or any other guy I dated, I would be all into studying my bible, praying, etc. Then dating became for me a space where subconsciously, I felt no longer needed God. Now, before you judge, keep reading.

It wasn't until recently I realized my issue of why I felt I would push God away once I found someone who understood me: I finally felt special.(Jeez, I feel so lame for telling yall this) But honestly, that was my "issue" with God. He loves EVERYBODY the same! And I was seeking someone who loved me differently. Who found something in me that no one else saw. I wanted to win the eyes of someone who only saw me.

Selfish, I KNOW, but it's the truth. How many of you guys have felt this? Or after reading my thoughts, you get it?? There are a million people underneath the sun and you meet someone with mutual interests.. and you can't help but find your value through them? It's such a dangerous and vulnerable place to be in, but it's REAL! You try to shake it because in the end, you know they aren't your God, BUT yet you talk to them about all your issues with the bonus of an IMMEDIATE response. The convenience of it all... right?"

Wow, just found this post in my drafts. It is so crazy, looking back at my thoughts and things that I was so afraid to post. I wrote this about a year or so ago and I'm so proud of my progress. God really has worked on me as it relates to that. And since then I have come to see that though God loves us all equally and no one more than the other, he STLL loves differently. He knows me inside and out and accepts me for me with no conditions! And because he made me differently, he loves me differently. I am very special to Him and for me to think anything less is downplaying His creation (myself) and also showing how much I didnt understand or believe in His undying affection, grace, mercy, and love.

So, I decided to share this old post with you all just in case you've ever felt this way, please know I DO understand.

Love. ♥

For You, I Will

The other day I was in my room, humming the lyrics to Monica's "For You I Will" and I was instantly moved. Not in the sense of thinking of an intimate relationship, but those lyrics definitely touched me in a different way. God is written all over that song! It's so crazy how most love songs would be perfect gospel songs! Listen to the lyrics as if God were speaking to you and tell me you don't get chills! (P.S Sorry for such a brief post, but I wanted you guys to feel what I feel when I read/ listen to these lyrics) Love.

                                                                    "For You I Will"

When you're feeling lost in the night,
When you feel your world just ain't right
Call on me, I will be waiting
Count on me, I will be there
Anytime the times get too tough,
Anytime your best ain't enough
I'll be the one to make it better,
I'll be there to protect you,
See you through,
I'll be there and there is nothing
I won't do.

I will cross the ocean for you
I will go and bring you the moon
I will be your hero your strength
Anything you need
I will be the sun in your sky
I will light your way for all time
Promise you,
For you I will.

I will shield your heart from the rain
I will let no harm come your way
Oh these arms will be your shelter
No these arms won't let you down,
If there is a mountain to move
I will move that mountain for you
I'm here for you, I'm here forever
I will be your fortress, tall and strong
I'll keep you safe,
I'll stand beside you, right or wrong

I will cross the ocean for you 
I will go and bring you the moon (yeah, yeah)
I will be your hero your strength
anything you need (I will be..)
I will be the sun in your sky
I will light your way for all time
Promise you
For you I will

For you I will, lay my life on the line
For you I will fight, oooooh
For you I will die
With every breath, with all my soul
I'll give my world
I'll give it all
Put your faith in me (put you're faith in me) 
And I'll do anything

I will cross the ocean for you (I will cross the ocean for you)
I will go and bring you the moon
I will be your hero your strength
Anything you need
I will be the sun in your sky
I will light your way for all time
Promise you (Promise you)
For you I will, I will, I will, I will, 

I will cross the ocean for you 
I will go and bring you the moon
I will be your hero your strength
Anything you need, (Anything you need)
I will be the sun in your sky (yeah, yeah)
I will let you wait for all times
Promise you (I promise you)
For you I will (Ooooh)
I promise you
For you I will