Exercising Faith and Letting Go of Fear

Hey everyone! It's been such a long time since I've posted something and it won't be very long, but I feel this is something I needed to write to you all today.

These past few months have been extremely difficult for me. Full of sadness, hopelessness, fear, discouragement, and sorrow. All due to one thing: lack of faith.

I have experienced message after message from God about a specific situation that put me in extreme discomfort, telling me it was going to be okay, but instead of hearing and receiving what I was told, I chose to lean on the things that I thought I knew to be true. I let feelings overpower what I knew to be true. I let other people's lives and outcomes become my destiny, despite what God had already said over my life.

Lack of faith caused me to go into deeper spells of hopelessness. It caused me to run to others for advice and confirmation instead of trusting what God had already said.

I'm writing this to you all to tell you that whatever you're battling with, God has an answer. God reveals to us in His own way what is truth and what is not. It is up to us to determine if we are willing to accept what He has already spoken without questioning it based on what we can or cannot see. We can get these answers by studying His word and through prayer and meditation.

God is full of mercy, love, and joy. In Him we can receive all of these things. In Him, we are already equipped with all of these things, but in order to bring said things out, you must exercise your faith! In Him we can live without fear because He has called us into a life of guaranteed safety by simply walking on purpose and by faith.

So don't be afraid to ask God what He has for your life. For wherever He leads you, know that you are safe, loved and highly favored.

Amen.

Loved Ones and Lack of Support: Why you must keep going!

I've been wanting to hit on this for a while. Lack of support from the people we care about most can be very detrimental to our success if we let it. Since I began blogging, I always felt like it was pulling teeth just to get people to read, but it's even more difficult when you feel like you have to do the same thing with your friends and family.

I felt like none of my friends/family were ever really down for what my dreams are. Even when I act on them, it feels as though I'm overlooked and not supported. I can barely get one to retweet a link to this blog, let alone give me positive affirmation that they see me and support me. I had a friend one time insinuate the only way she would share my link to my blog was if I gave her a shout out on instagram.

It shouldn't matter, but it does! Even if no one else were to read this blog, knowing my loved were watching, rooting, and supporting would mean the world to me a year ago. Hell, even if they never read, but simply shared a link, that would've been great. 

But on the other end of that, I can't let anything deter me from what it is I want to do. I saw a quote not to long ago that said, "Friends won't support you until strangers do." And I strongly believe that. Because once outsiders recognize your work, then all of a sudden it's not just some silly dream, it's a reality. And maybe that's the idea that we all have to keep close to us. 

No matter where you are in your dreams and no matter where you are as far as following goes, you have to keep pushing because someone out there can't get enough of what you're offering and sometimes that's all you need. 

For a long time, I went on a break from writing. I figured there was no point if no one was looking. To me, no one looking meant no one was interested. And if my own loved ones couldn't see it, maybe it wasn't there. But what I've come to realize was that no matter who's watching, I have to keep striving to what it is I want to see. I can no longer consider my purpose a dream. IT IS MY REALITY.  I can no longer place my success nor progress on anyone but myself. And if you've ever felt the way I did, or if you're currently feeling it now, this is for you. Keep going, whatever your dream is and we'll get there, surely. 

I personally just want to say thank you to the women of From A Wildflower for seeing something in me, even after I stopped writing due to my lack of seeing it in myself, they are always open to hear what I have to say. And to my number one supporter, Jasmine. My sister forever, thank you for always liking, commenting, and reading even when I think it may suck, and from my internet sister Pascale Sylla (twitter: @_waif), who I met solely through blogging, you are the reason I post... even though it's not as much as I used to, the reason I post at all. And also a supporter of my writing for as long as I can remember... Gerald. Thank you for sharing, commenting, and referring me to others black girls who blog. You're amazing!

I say all this to inspire and encourage myself and anyone reading to do more this year! To not let anything stop us from what it is we see in ourselves! To live in love with us and our passions and to let our work ethic be the only thing we have to lean on. Let's blow minds this year and give them something to see.

And also let's reciprocate what it is we want to see in our loved ones! Begin to encourage them more and help out in their dreams in whatever way you can. If you see someone trying, always do what you can to support. Showing love is not a one way street!

Love.

Keys (Found in My BB notes from July 19, 2014)

What if there are multiple keys to open different doors in our lives and we're either using the same key for every door, or using each key, but in all the wrong doors?

Sometimes I feel like no matter what we believe in, we believe in something. And even after all that believing, we still use the keys we are given, wrong.. fucking up epically.

Is anybody okay? Content? Or are we all bullshitting and just trying to BE okay, because after all these years of believing what we believe in, we technically should have found happiness by now?

Why do I feel like we're living in a world of pretenders? It's easier to say we have it figured it out. It's modest to say we haven't, but we look forward to the journey. You're a better person if you do... and so we all fake enlightenment.

Who really has the answers? Ghandi? Muhammad? *insert other inspirational folk here*
Or were we always being fed a fairy tale? Are we all being pacified with intellect verses what it REALLY is?

And if reality is what is real, is our reality only sadness? Getting by? Pretending?

And is enlightenment accepting this as truth? Accepting pretending as our truth?


*Though this post is old I still would love to hear your thoughts..*

writing shows me how flawed i am and how tentative my thoughts are.

instead of me asking love to leave me alone, maybe i should try asking love to pull me in.

i want someone. i do. but im afraid that all the ones i want/have wanted, don't want me.

im afraid to shoot for my dream guy because maybe he's in my dreams for a reason.

but im also afraid i'd have to settle.

im afraid to say im afraid because just the other day, i said i wasn't. but i am.

im afraid to get hurt again, therefore ive become happy with my solitude.

i was so happy with that moment of being content with my solitude, but i was aware that it was fleeting. simply because i knew my ability to over analyze everything, even my happiness, would force me to come to the root of that solitude.

and the root is fear.

i am afraid of loving again.

im afraid of my desires because they always seem to leave me broken.

im afraid that my choices reflect how i feel i should be treated, and even at the times where i was most in love with me, i still somehow found someone that reflected my repressed self hatred. 

im afraid im not ready.
and love always finds me when reciprocity seems to be missing.

i should ask for love to pull me in.

pull me.
drag me.

because otherwise i'd fight it.

maybe i do want somebody.

no, i DO want somebody .

just this time i want them to love me and want me back.

i want to look at them and feel my blood heat up and my skin cover with little dots of bliss. i want us to look at each other and laugh because we both notice our bodies reacting the same way.

i want to give myself to a man that knows exactly what 'that' means without me explaining.

i never want to have to explain myself again, because you know what? it sucks. explaining myself to people has only shown me that deep down, i feel like they don't understand me.

and i just want to be understood. because to me, being understood is synonymous to being accepted.

and don't get me wrong i want to be able to do for him what he desires. i want him to be able to look back on his journey of hurt with other women as a true blessing and lesson because that's what drew him and i as one; that's why he loves me too.

i want him to never want me to leave. 
no, not as his possession, nor am i saying i want him to be unable to live without me.
it's actually the very opposite:

i want us to be happy with or without one another, but being together somehow just feels gooder.

and we'll use cute words like "gooder" because that's what you do when you're in love: you invent words.

im happy alone, but i do want love.

yes, i want love.

but only if it will keep me happy. .
not MAKE me happy.

10-9-14 A.D. - My City, Our People

On October 9th of this year, I woke up to a very intense thunderstorm. Pissed off at the fact that it was 3 am and I had just fallen asleep around 2... with work in the morning at 7, I rolled over to grab my phone and tweet my frustrations.

Other followers were up and angry like me, only their frustrations were due to something else: Another black body was gone.

16 guns shots hit an unarmed 18 year old by an off-duty St.Louis police officer. 

Over assumptions, a life is gone and I literally cannot. 

I don't know if I can spare anymore room in my mind to process the fact that another life is gone. 

The little girl in me wants to shout, "WHY?! What did we do?!"

But it's plain and simple to know that it has never taken much of anything at all for our murders to be justified. 

Just the day before, I participated in a demonstration at the University of Missouri where we raised awareness of the unlawful killings of black and brown bodies. By "dying" in the middle of the campus we told the stories of the slain.

On that day I felt hopeful. I felt inspired. 

Just the day before.

And then this: another hate crime that will be defended and justified.

We keep fighting, they keep killing. 

We are dying.

Will we ever prosper? Will we ever rest? 

I think the unanswered questions are the most haunting part of this whole thing. We just have to keep fighting, pushing, and restlessly saving our own lives. This isn't just St. Louis. This is the world. And until we get our justice, we MUST refuse to let the oppressor live in prosperity. 

Am I losing my voice? Or was it ever there?

Since I've been out of school, I've felt like I have no right to speak up on anything.

I came back to Columbia, MO to get back in the school mentality and start back soon. While I've been here, I've found myself trying to be as low-key as possible as far as the events that Mizzou hosts and my old college, Stephens. Simply because of my own personal insecurity that my voice doesn't count due to me not being in school.

I know how silly it sounds, I'm sure everyone is not thinking that way about me,  but I still can't shake the feeling.

I've always been very interested in constructive conversation relating to current events and how people feel about what's happening and the beauty of different minds coming together to make effective change. If there was one thing I've missed about college, it's that.

Now I'm back in the college scene, and I'm hearing about events, but I'm not inspired by them at all. They all seem like they're done for selfish reasons and personal notoriety. And if it's not that, then the events are so damn repetitive, it's ridiculous.

And I want so badly to discuss how over it I am, but where do I stand in this? I find myself saying all the time, "I can't wait until I'm back in school, I'll finally be able to voice my opinion again."

And if I could listen to the voice inside my head, I'd act on the fact that I have every right to defend my beliefs and speak up on my ideas of how a community should work and how action with no real substance might as well be doing nothing.

But I guess my hesitance comes from a place of not really feeling like I know what it is I want to do. What ARE my solutions? Am I speaking up in vain???

I would hate to be a person of empty words.

So, yeah... that's that.

And honestly it's not just college that has me feeling like my voice is gone, but a lot of other small things as well. (Hence me not writing in a looong time)

You ever just feel like you are so passionate about so much, but still don't know what your thing is? That one thing that you stand for? As far as this blog goes, I can't figure out what it is exactly that I want to do to call it mine. What is it that I want to give off? Who would be my target audience?

UGH. Just writing this all out has me frustrated, but I think this is exactly what I need. To just ramble on and on until I let it out and come to a conclusion.

But all around I just want to use all the passion I have and make my voice useful.
 I know two things for sure: I want to make a change and I want to be able to witness it.

Pretty simple... or nah?

GILL AND TAILS

I think things could go a lot easier for me if I stopped thinking about what I need to do for my life and ask God what He needs me to do for Him.

I used to think of how unfair it was to surrender your life to the one who forced you into such a world…and if I had the choice to come down here, I wouldn't have.

But it actually makes sense to me now. ( I was always afraid it would) because now I can’t hide. I now have to take on full responsibility.

Knowledge is power, yes. But am I ready for it?

Eh, everything has a time. This is mine. So I guess I answer my own questions.

And honestly, I believe that we did in fact have a choice to come down here. I truly believe that God showed us our potential and we BELIEVED Him because it was true.

But once we got down here, we saw how difficult it was to get there. We forgot where “there” was and we only saw the world…everything He was against. And we fled to that out of spite… because “He promised better”…

Well I remember what He showed me. Not in the literal sense, but I feel my purpose. I’m going back to that. I HAVE to because this world isn’t for me. I’m not built like the rest…and though I’ve never tried to imitate, my surroundings have become nothing but the things that I know wont get me to what I need to be.

So like I said before, I think things would go a lot easier for me if I stopped thinking about me, and sought that promised land.